Why
Seminary, Why Now?
I came to seminary for several reasons one that
sticks in my mind first is the desire for validation, people will judge you by what you
know or what you don't know. They judge you for not having letters behind your
name and put you in a group you don’t want to be in. I can be acknowledged in
my calling in some settings and in others not even appearing as I exist. Spending years in pulpit supply ministry and being encouraged to go to school because somehow what I am is not enough. Being
brown skinned
and being woman, the deck is already stacked against me when it
comes to my audience. I have been ignored because of both. I have been
underestimated because of both. I have been discouraged because of
both. It is in the discouragement, in the being ignored that I chose to do something for myself for the first time in a
long time. I wanted to be well rounded in my studies and knowledge of
Christ and I felt that seminary would afford me that opportunity. I
would have done it sooner, but I felt that I could not financially.
The doors began to open financially and it
seemed to affirm to me that I was right where I needed to be and God would provide the means necessary to see this dream until the
end. I needed a more solid form of consistent education and knowledge
because for way too many years training under so many different pastors at
my church we would start meeting as a ministerial team, studying
together and growing only for something to happen that would ultimately
end the progress and be non-existent. I wanted something lasting that I had
more power and control over its direction. I would have the power and control
to say when it would end.
A desire to be more knowledgeable for those I serve was another
reason that I came to seminary. I owe it to God, to the people and myself
to be my best self and that can only be done by entering into a covenant
to learn. I accept that I don't know and haven't been exposed to
everything I need to know as a minister and the exposure that I will receive
in seminary will challenge me, provide accountability as well as impart
some great understanding of what I truly say I am called to do.
Knowing the direction you are to go in life, committing and
walking in that direction is a whole different story. There have been those
that have encouraged me in this direction and there have been those that I have
lost along the way. I can tell you the exact moment when things began to change
and I am thankful that God gave me little things along the way to help me stay
the course. But I acknowledge that I did have a grieving period experiencing
lost friendships. The gifts of God have been precious; he gave me a morning devotion time in the car on the way to work, which was originally spent with my best friend preparing for the day. God used a co-worker in my life as a new friend to talk to as I lost the best friend to change. God so graciously gave me time to grieve the loss of the friendship and slowly made the friendship with my co-worker more evident. God gave me my first church in confirmation that I am on the path that God would lead me. It was months that God prepared me for the moment because I went from not wanting to leave my home church to being in complete peace with it. I know that it was all God that I have peace. God gifting me by breaking every excuse I had why I could not begin this journey and the steps in faith have been a blessing.
I acknowledge an anxiety and a moment of panic realizing I would
have to leave the comforts of a home church where God has been writing the
signs on the wall, it was time for me to move on. I acknowledge making
excuses of why I couldn’t further my education. Every reason I grasped for God
blew apart.
Excuses:
1.
I can’t go because I can’t afford to
get my transcripts from undergraduate school. They won’t release them because I
still have a perkins grant to pay.
2. I can’t go because I don’t have the money for the application fee.
3.
I can’t go because I don’t have
money for books or school.
4.
I can’t go because I can’t afford to
lose weeks off work to go to orientation and more.
How is it that I was able to not only get my transcripts released
from a school that claimed I owed them money, but I had the money to pay for
them as well. I looked at the website for Phillips and it was no application
fee if I applied by a certain time. I work at a textbook company and was able
to borrow more than half the books I needed for school. Then to top things off
I received four scholarships more than enough to cover my cost of school, the
extra books and travel to school. Not only did I go to orientation, the
sacrifice of a week’s lost wages is nothing compared to the journey I began
in August. God is humorous I must say because this time in our lives have been
the most financially stable that we’ve had our entire marriage (12) + dating
time of 3 years.
I have peace in
my decision, but not peace in my ability. I questioned my ability to rise to
the occasion of the coursework that lay before me. Excuses come to mind again! Wondering if I
would not doubt my own ability if I had not over extended myself, if my platter
was not overflowing at the beginning of seminary. The pattern of educational greatness has followed me all my life, so why question now. In June I was called to fill
the pulpit in a church 45 minutes from my home, in addition to serving them I
was currently serving my home church as the Outreach Minister, working full
time, married and wearing too many hats. So taking on 10 ½ hours my first
semester in I would say was doing too much, almost sidetracking me at the start
of what was to be the most exciting time of my life. Struggling for weeks to find balance between
it all I learned to set boundaries real quick and not apologize for them, I
learned to do self-care and not apologize for it, I learned to spend necessary
time with family when the opportunity presented itself and felt better for it.
I can say like many other things in life that I learned from that. Going into
enroll for the Spring semester I remembered the pain in August and enrolled in
6 ½ hours understanding that in the next couple of weeks I will be signing my
letter of calling, meeting with the Commissioning Ministry Team and
transitioning someone else into Outreach at my home church.
I come to this
established educational plan with the understanding that I bring a lot of knowledge, black girl magic, baggage, bad habits, obsessive tendencies and all will be embraced as I take
this journey of faith. I don’t know how I’ll make it to the end, but I trust
that I will be better for it. When I sit down and be still, God speaks to me. I
can’t wait to tell you what has been said in writing my story, but I can’t
begin to share until I step out on faith once again. As I empty my platter I
learn to put down things that have no lasting meaning and I open myself up to
God’s design.
My question for the group: As I begin to go deeper in my studies,
how do I convey to the two people that I share space with that I’m not ignoring
them? In my space I share with my husband and my mother in-law.
