A Spiritual Advisor

One would think that having a conversation with a Spiritual Director would be a easy week, but that is not the case for me. I had a road block in this area and was not sure how to approach the conversation. I chickened out and invited my husband along for the conversation. He always has something to say and I felt within the safety of the room that I'd be able to say what needed to be said. Well that didn't quite work out in the beginning because he has so much to say, I couldn't talk if I wanted to. When the attention was placed in my court with a spot light, I wanted to run and hide. I think I wanted to flee because I felt that I was going to be told, yes its time for me to leave. To my relief that is not what happened, so now I feel like when it is time to leave it will be because God says its time and not because someone is trying to force me out. Bishop reassured me that Fifth Street will always be my home and that no matter where I go I can always come home. Whew, wasn't that a load off my mind.

Minority in Worship

In my worship setting I am a minority. There are several things that are similar to my experience in the African American church. Sacraments are observed with the same level of intimacy and respect. Some of the songs are very familiar in nature and some are even sung the same.
What I miss is having a choir to set the atmosphere. I also miss having the talk back during the sermon, so that you know that people are engaging. I think I miss that as much as I do not having a choir. I pray for balance, wisdom and the opportunity to be me in my skin.

Holding my peace

My spiritual ministry practice this week was going to be a day of silence. That did not work out so well as I had planned, so much of what I do requires me to communicate verbally. So I decided that as I served for the free community meal I would not get into any arguments with my family. I would allow everyone to serve in their area of expertise without interference from me. I almost was not successful because of my mother law counting the sacks. I had tried to explain to her  there was no need to count the number of sacks because I planned out exactly 100. I purchased exactly 100 bags of chips and 100 sweet treats to go into the sacks, we would clearly know when we were at 100 by when those items were gone.

Well that was not what she was trying to do, she was trying to count how many brown paper sacks could fit into the carrying boxes. So it was not her goal to get to 100, it was her goal to see how many she could fit into the boxes for delivery.  

What did I learn from this? Many of our disagreements stem from us not listening to one another. Both of us are so sure we're right that we don't take time to listen to one another. I think that this has become more apparent since she moved in with us. Its hard to have 2 grown women with strong personalities under one roof, with a male that loves us both caught in the middle. On my part I can do my best to live at peace with her. I can take more time to listen to what she is saying, instead of how she is saying it. I can take a deep breath and not get emotionally charged every time we have an exchange. Though I didn't get to spend my day in silence, I did learn that I need to be silent at times. I'd say that's a lesson that couldn't have been learned if I was in total silence as I had intended. 

Beyond what I see

How do I have faith, when I cannot see the end

When what I see is blurry and I don't know who to depend

Life is filled with uncertainty, life is filled with what ifs

And yet I get up each morning, willing to take the stiffs

The stiff climbs and low valleys, long streets and dark alleys

I grab my bible, reach for a prayer and rally

Just functioning outside the box, running from the old way

And yet I get up each morning, to kiss a brand new day

How do you have faith, when you cannot see the end

Test after test, medical is not my friend

So I depart from what I can see, its blurry anyway

When I get up each morning, thanking God and say

Whatever you will, let it be done

I hope to see, but I will not run

I have faith, that you'll take care of me

Even If when tomorrow comes I cannot see

I cannot see tomorrow, just as I couldn't see today

When I get up each morning, I'll thank God anyway

I don't know if it is a test of faith that I am walking in right now. 

The only thing I know for sure is I'll praise God anyhow. 

I'll praise him in the blurry sight, I'll praise him if I have none. 

I'll praise him always, until the setting of my sun